I was working from my mom’s place while visiting my family in Hungary.
In the morning we had a heated conversation and I realised how easily I still can be triggered by some painful memories.
This place has witnessed my darkest years.
2003
We moved here in my teenage years after my parents got separated. We sold the house my father built, leaving behind all my childhood memories. I stayed with my mom and my brother moved to my father. I barely had contact with them after that. My great grandma was a strong woman, she survived two world wars and even over 70 she helped me with my homework every afternoon but she couldn’t deal with the divorce of my parents. I lost her empathy and my greatest support. The love of my life (how I felt back then), my first boyfriend started to study on the other side of the country. First his letters became rarer, then his visits fell behind and not that much later the relationship was over. I was heartbroken and was left with a mother who was struggling with her own grief and depression.
Teenage years. They are supposed to be a time when one grows, explores life with friends and figures out who she is. Instead I felt isolated, lost and broken in so many ways. I struggled to see the meaning of life.
A got to a point when I wondered if I wanted to live at all and I tried to take my own life. I woke up after the suicide attempt, feeling empty, scared and terrified what comes next. I had two days until my eighteenth birthday and three until my final high school exams.
2021
I was setting up my remote workstation in the living room in the very same flat.
What time is it now in Nebraska? - I wondered as I started to tune into my first call with a client. I had two coaching sessions scheduled for the afternoon.
That way too familiar brokenness started to sneak in.
How will I get through this now?
I looked at my grandma’s porcelain in the vitrin, some old children's books on the shelf and photos about me in various life stages: in uniform after successfully absolving the final high school exam (yes, I made it with the highest possible grades), in Lisbon during my Masters’ exchange year (where I was spending my scholarship on surf lessons) and in front of our typical neighbourhood house with my hubby in the US (where I first started to teach mindful eating classes).
All of a sudden I decided to change the story I was telling myself for too long. The story is about a girl struggling with depression, suffering from traumas and never feeling good enough. They did not feel true anymore. Not at all.
Finally I saw myself as a beautiful adult woman who dared to face her past and rewrote her story. I saw courage, compassion and an enormous dose of inner strength.
I saw myself standing tall in who I am today. Who is ready to show up with all her wounds and imperfections and help wonderful humans to fulfil their potential and be their true self.
I scarfed down a few reminders to a notebook.
You don’t have to be completely healed to make different choices.
You can be yourself even if you don’t fully know how it is yet.
You can start it where you are and watch your confidence grow by every little step you take. You’ll figure it out. I promise. What matters is that you’re on your way.
Love, Z
It was time to continue writing that new story. I logged into my Zoom account and greeted my client with a big smile:
Do I have the permission to coach you today?