Give what you want to receive
On self-compassion, mothering and healing myself into an adult woman
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It took me a while to accept that I’m slow today.
I showered myself with an enormous dose of self-compassion.
My arm still hurt from the vaccine, my sleep was disturbed and last night felt short. My heart was aching, and heavily processing the conflicting emotions which were circling in and around me.
I woke up, navigated to the kitchen and started to clean up the counter. I unloaded the dishwasher and parallel as I arranged the plates and glasses, I cleared my thoughts.
Mothering.
Ever since I went through this transition and moved to this new city, I felt a massive desire to be mothered. To feel a comforting hand on my head, touch my shoulder, and hug me tenderly. Someone to cook me a warm meal, discuss what flowers to plant in the garden, prepare me a bath with bubbles and candles, and sit next to me while I talk, breathe, and cry. To truly listen.
I hoped to have this mother for long. Since I was a child. I might have gotten it when I was really young, but I barely have memories of it, rather none. I heard it from stories, and I wanted to believe that it happened. Eventually, you can only miss something that you know that it exists.
My mom visited me for a few days. It was a big deal for her, and for me, too. I shared pieces of my adult life with her in another country, in another world, and in another language.
She was curious, patient and tender.
She was also sick, and it was me who played the role of mother. I prepared the hot bath, I cooked the warm meal, and I hugged her before saying good night and turning off the light.
By taking care of her and giving her what I wanted to have I understood that this is how I heal.
I’m an adult woman who is ready to feel and nurture.
I let go of my want to get back the lost years, claim my wishes from others and project my lack to the relationships in my life. The only way to heal is to embrace myself with self-compassion, feel the pain, grieve the loss and love myself and the world tenderly.
You need to give what you want to receive.
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Thanks, Mom.
Thanks for doing what you can.
Thanks for giving me the life so I can live.
Thanks for teaching me to breathe the air and speak the language.
Thanks for holding me when I was crying.
Thanks for laughing with me.
Thanks for allowing me to be who I am.
Thanks for doing your best.
I am free now.
I am responsible now.
I am an adult now.
I am a woman now.
I feel connected.
I feel real.
I feel liberated.
I feel strong.
I feel tender.
I feel capable.
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I listened to these songs while writing today’s piece:
Lana Del Ray: Video Games
Basia Bulat: Tall Tall Shadow
🎧 Listen to them on the Soft Bloom playlist.
Today, I wrote from Hungriges Herz.
“It has to come from the heart if it is to have an effect on the heart.”
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I am experimenting with writing more freely here on Substack and exploring a theme that came to me recently when I joined a writing club. We get together once a week and write for two uninterrupted hours. The theme that inspires me is blooming softly, becoming and flourishing in the late 30s. In the business bubbles where I spent much time, there is this glorification of achieving success early, wanting to be Forbes 30 under 30, and knowing with certainty where you are heading. Life can be different at times. I see it often with the women I coach. I experience it on my own skin, too. You may find yourself at a place where you don’t know. When you’re in the process of becoming. This is what makes me curious now and what I’m exploring in my writing.